The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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