I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
