If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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