these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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