You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
