i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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