Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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