I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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