Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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