You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Also, beer. Big fan.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
