matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
