My friends, they love my intelligence
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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