38 yer olds are good kisserssss
time to smoke my breakfast
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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