she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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