White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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