I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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