Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
