went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
