He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
