I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
