Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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