apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
