I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
