He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
