If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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