WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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