My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
