Having a random hookup so left but love u
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
