Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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