I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
