Having a random hookup so left but love u
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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