After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
