Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
