He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
