You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
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