the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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