My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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