I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
