Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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