My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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