barbara walters just said penis...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
