how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
