I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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