Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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