I met the friendliest cop last night
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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