a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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