I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
