last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
