I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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