just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You've changed since you got that strap on
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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