i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
