Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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