Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize