Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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