Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
