People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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