I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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