There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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