this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
