I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
