oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
