i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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